Although miscarriages are common, (1 in 6 known pregnancies end in miscarriage) women who have suffered a miscarriage seem to refrain from talking about it.
I wanted to share with you my miscarriage story, how it impacted those closest to me, where I drew my strength from and how I got through it.
What Causes a Miscarriage
Between 50 and 70 percent of first-trimester miscarriages are thought to be random events caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilised egg. Most often, this means that the egg or sperm had the wrong number of chromosomes, and as a result, the fertilised egg can't develop normally.
On the 30th August 2014, I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy.
Despite what some may think, it wasn't about me wanting to keep a secret, it was simply because I had a lot of what “if’s” in my head. My heart knew I would go full term because I had confirmation from God; however my head/flesh sometimes thought otherwise because within a very short space of time I sadly lost two babies and both were at that “safe stage” of 3 months, where you are able to start sharing the good news with friends and family. Losing them was one of the hardest, if not, the hardest thing I have experienced. Not only was it hard for me, it was devastating for those closest to me. I had to pull my strength from God and believe that it happened for a reason.
Before my husband and I lost the first baby I had a vivid dream of a sheet of blood. I was a little concerned as I am always sent signs through dreams. I ended up bleeding, and shortly after, we lost our baby. My mum, who I can't thank enough, was there with me every step of the way. I really don't know how I would have got through this without her, she didn't allow me to see what I was losing, and she kept on telling me not to look. I know at one point she thought she may lose me as I lost so much blood and passed out, but she never panicked and just kept calm throughout the worst of it which continued for hours and hours. I was quite surprised at what little help you are offered from the medical system when going through a miscarriage, there's actually no help out there! Regardless, my mum helped me through.
After some time, tears and prayers as I began to heal emotionally I became pregnant again. We were all happy, a little apprehensive, but I had faith. Plus, I thought surely it wouldn't happen again! Everything was going well, I had frequent check ups and everything seemed fine, so my mind was at rest. A couple of months into the pregnancy, I had that exact dream again! A sheet of blood. I just cried as I knew what was going to happen and sure, enough it did. I just didn't understand why it happened again, I was numb and this time, I just couldn't bring myself to pray. Thank God my mum and Nan were praying for me. It wasn't that I thought "Why me?" I just thought “Why THIS again?” I would rather not have fallen pregnant than to have become pregnant and lose another baby.
It was so hard to see other newborn babies, I would get very emotional, and I wanted desperately to give my husband a baby and my daughters another sibling. My husband was, and is, my pillar of strength. He said “Baby, you have already given me two amazing daughters; it's okay if this isn't supposed to be. I love you.”
Time and prayer is a great healer as I began to start feeling myself again. Thoughts of having a baby started to run through my mind, then I would think, ‘I have been blessed with two God fearing, amazing, loving, beautiful and intelligent daughters. Maybe I should be satisfied with what I already have.’ That night while I was praying I asked God “What should I do?” I awoke in the morning and I remembered my dream...I saw this beautiful baby boy with the biggest grin on his face.
This was the moment knew I would have my son. For some reason I was lead to read the book of James, after I completed the book of James, I would continue to read James chapter 5, verse 17-18 each night.
A few weeks after my dream, I started to feel pregnancy symptoms. I kept it to myself for as long as possible, and then I told my mum. She said she had a feeling, but was waiting for me to tell her. I spoke to God and told him I trust him completely. Weeks went by and I was feeling very sick every day. I thought I was probably around 12 weeks I then had a dream that I went to my first scan and there they told me I was nearly 14 weeks. I woke up delighted and told my husband. Later that morning we went to the scan and sure enough they said that everything looked normal, and that I was 13 weeks and 5 days. As my husband held my hand, we looked at each other and smiled. I was continuously thanking God. My next appointment would be at my 20 week scan; there I would discover if we were having a boy or a girl.
I continued to try and keep myself busy which was hard as I was feeling so sick every day. Each day I awoke I was thankful to God for blessing my unborn baby with yet another day.
The night before my 20 week scan was finally here!! That night God sent me another dream...he confirmed I was having a boy
I told my husband and he was so happy.
I told my daughters, "When you arrive home from school, if it's a boy you will see all things blue in your room and if it's a girl they will be pink," I knew deep down it would be a boy because I trusted God’s confirmation but I wanted to keep the element of surprise for my girls.
In the dimly lit room, patiently lying on the bed while holding my husband’s hand, it was time. The nurse started doing my 20 week check-up and thankfully she was saying that everything looked good with our baby! Then she asked the question, “Would you like to know what you are having?” We said simultaneously said yes and she then pointed to the area on the screen and said you are having a boy! I got very teary; we were both delighted, I was just thanking my Father as his promises were coming to pass. Sure enough I bought all things blue to surprise my daughters. They came home from school and were so happy to be having a little brother.
Finally, getting this far into my pregnancy felt so reassuring but of course, from time to time I would think about the negative things that could happen. That was the reason we hadn't bought him anything or started to decorate his room, as there was still that tiny inclination of “what if?” Yes I had faith, however, my mind sometimes went into overdrive, as I was still human after all. The more weeks that went past the less I thought that something bad would happen.
We started to think about names and I knew I wanted something that had biblical meaning...I had discussed a particular name with my husband as we both have always loved this name, plus it was in the Bible. We just kept it between us.
I talk to my mother daily, on this particular day she sounded excited and said she saw her grandson in a dream. She said he was a toddler and in the dream she asked him "What is your name"? He answered....I couldn't believe it was the exact name my husband and I had discussed (my mum had no idea this was the name we had discussed). I said that this is confirmation of his first name; we then started to think of middle names. We stumbled across a couple, but one in particular stood out to us. We weren’t 100% set on the name, but I knew that once we actually saw him, we would know if it was right. I asked my aunty Sharon Green, who is a woman of God, to think of names. I told her it had to have meaning I didn't tell her what I had in mind as I wanted it solely from her without influence. A few weeks later she inboxed me and to my disbelief she wrote the first and middle name my husband and I had chosen… that was it, it was fully confirmed. There was absolutely no way she could have known, this was purely an act of God! My unborn son now had his name.
When I was 38 weeks pregnant we decided to start decorating his room and buying much needed things for our baby boy.
On the 26th of August, my due date finally arrived and there was no sign of him. We were all waiting anxiously to meet our little prince.
Finally, on 30th August at midnight I went into labour and at 2.42 am, we had our beautiful healthy baby boy weighing 7.5 lbs.
I am writing this 6 weeks later whilst starting at our beautiful and healthy baby boy and I still can’t believe he’s here. Thanking God just doesn't feel like it's enough! I went through major tests but without the tests I wouldn't have been able to write this testimony.
Lord I give you all the Glory and all the praise.
"Weeping may endure for night but joy cometh in the morning"
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, please feel free to share yours with me and the other women on this site. Knowing that my story has helped even one woman through her own struggle gives my struggle even more purpose.
Signed Juanita x